My Writings

Hello all. I am sure that some of you (most) know me from the pendragon forums. I started this little project a few months ago, but I've only been able to really write several disjointed scenes from different portions of the story. I thought it would be much better if I let people see my writings, so that I may be able to improve on them, and so that I would have a drive to connect the scenes that I have already written.

I would love it if you gave me criticism. I do wish to improve on my writings. Although praise is fully welcome as well. *wink wink*

Now: These are two scenes from the novel that are related to each other rather strongly. I have not connected them yet. But you can definitely tell what is happening with each one. I haven't connected them because I am only working on the Sandman-Chalk-Object plotline (You'll understand if you read it) for now.

Note: These two scenes happen around the middle(ish) portion of the book. I started here because I discovered that even though I knew how the book had to open, I couldn't figure out how to actually write the opening without knowing the end. So that's why I started on a random point in the story and just began writing from there.

And without further ado... two scenes from my story written by yours truly. (It is long though, I must warn you.)

SCENE ONE: (Thursday afternoon, Benjamin is walking home from school)

The scream was a horrible, drawn out noise that felt like it would break Benjamin's ears. He couldn't move, although he jerked when he first heard the scream. The scream itself seemed to be sucking away everything physical in the world. The colors dimmed, other sounds were washed out, and Benjamin suddenly felt very lethargic. He didn't want to move, he didn't want to cover his ears to block out the scream.
But he still felt the scream. The scream pierced him, tore at him, it hurt him so hard he wanted to scream himself. It was the worst kind of torture there was, feeling pain, but not having the will to try an do anything to stop the pain.
And then it stopped. Benjamin found he was still standing, the exact same way he had been. He hadn't moved an inch, save for the initial jerk. He was breathing heavily, panting even. He stared around, turning slowly, looking at the surrounding neighborhood slowly, frightened. What was that? He suddenly very small, when standing next to a large park with trees decades old and two-story houses that blotted out the horizon.
Birds flew out of a tree, and a car passed. Benjamin finished his circle. What was that? What made that scream? He saw the two kids and their mother playing in the park. They were oblivious that there had been a horrible noise, they were calm. Well, not calm, because the kids were running around and screaming with joy. The mother watching peacefully but carefully. The car turned the corner, and was gone.
Benjamin was frightened. Something about that scream had put his insides on 'adrenaline' mode. He took one cautious step forward, and then another. He looked around constantly as he did so, waiting for the surroundings to leap up and smother him. With ever step however, he looked around less and less, and walked quicker. He looked forward, a certain determination to get to the safety of his own home took hold of him.
And then there was another scream.
This time Benjamin did collapse. Well, he didn't collapse, but his momentum continued to carry him as his body stopped responding. He fell forward, face first, and was only saved from receiving a broken tooth because his arm automatically braced his body for the fall, despite the screams. He lay there on the concrete, letting the pain roll over him. He was no longer human, but an animal feeling pain and wanting to escape, to fly away.
The scream was not human. Benjamin knew that, or he sensed it, he didn't know which. It was too animal-like for a human to make, and to alien sounding for any animal to make. It was savagery at it's finest. The scream became a laugh, very slowly. And the laugh was unlike any laugh Benjamin had ever heard before. It was less painful, but still excruciating.
The laughter reached it's peak, and began to fade away. Benjamin looked up in the general direction of the sound. He needed to go there. He didn't know why, but when the scream was replaced by laughter it somehow awakened something inside of him. He looked over to the mother and her children. They were still playing, still living, still unknowing. With purpose and a drive Benjamin didn't know he posessed, he stood up, and began to walk in the direction of the noise.

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Read and review please. I would love to hear what you think.

That's pretty cool. I liked the imagery in it, that's what drew me in.

The first few paragraphs seem rather redundant. You also seem to focus too much on the scream itself. Writing is a very subtle art. You don't have to keep driving home the same point otherwise the reader will get bored. Focus less on how it affected Ben, to things like what does it sound like. How long does it last? Does it go on for just a few seconds? Usually when something loud stops abruptly, your ears are still ringing with the sound.

Also, some of the descriptions feel a little awkward, a good example is when you describe when Ben falls. You use the word collapse first but then try to connect it to what you really mean which really isn't what the word collapse means. Yes it means to fall but a word also has implied meaning. When you say the word collapse, usually you see something falling in on itself, like a house of cards collapsed, or a demolition team collapsed the building. What you describe seems more like tripping than collapsing. As a writer, it's your job to write in as clear a voice as possible. Usually how clear and concise you can be in your descriptions determines how good of a writer you really are. Right now you need to work on how well you can describe things. A good way to practice is to take a notebook somewhere and try to describe the place you are in with as much detail as you can and using as few words as you can.

Example:

He sat at his desk in front of his laptop. The desk was cluttered with trash and nick-nacks. The empty water bottles behind his laptop stood like silent sentinels, keeping guard of the room. There were two pictures on the desk. One was a pale dusk drawing of the New York skyline he had picked up at one of the street vendors the last time he had traveled north. The other was a picture of a girl he loved. But she did not love him anymore. He could not bring himself to throw it away, though. It was precious to him, like their relationship had been. So he kept it. A silent reminder of a future he had dreamed that was now lost.

I barely scratched the surface of describing my room, or even the entirety of my desk, but already you can picture it in your mind. And already I'm giving you glimpses into the mind of my character, which is perhaps the most important part. It is only a paragraph but you've learned a lot about not just my desk, but what makes it mine. Description is how you make your characters come to life. You can't just describe the scenery itself. You have to describe how the character is connected to the environment, or not connected. So practice describing the world around you and connect yourself to it. The characters are also part of the scene, so make sure they have thoughts about it or feelings tied to certain objects. This is how you bring your story to life.

And the fewer words you can say something in the better. This also means don't beat a dead horse, like your description of the scream. It gets dull hearing a writer say the same thing over again five times only in different ways. Keep it fresh and moving.

Also when you say "this time Ben did collapse" implies that he almost did the first time he heard the scream, but you didn't say that before. Continuity is a very important part of writing so try to keep in mind what you've already written.

*Clings to Magmedite*

Thank you. I've wanted somebody to give me criticism for the longest time. I know I have to work on my descriptions. I've edited down some of my other passages that I've written, because I know it's too long-winded. Thanks for your advice. I now have a goal for what to shoot for. Thank you so much for telling me, because quite frankly, I think I need all the criticism I can get.

I know exactly how it feels, which is why I try to offer advice as much as I can when I'm in the mood. Just keep at it and hopefully you'll get there.

Most of your descriptions are okay, except when it comes to the scream. They're just static. And a lot of description is not a bad thing as long as it ties the reader back to the character's past or his present thoughts, is a vital part of the plot, or moves the plot forward in some way. (I tried to keep that sentence as parallel as I could but I think I failed...) If you can do either of those three (four?) things with a description, keep it in.

I forgot another dimension of what description should do: keep it if it adds to the overall mood of the narrative. Like if you want to create a feeling of ending within the reader, you might describe a part of the environment such as a sunset. This doesn't have to be connected to a character at all, but sometimes is.

I have edited down this particular scene. I think I edited out some 150 words. I can't actually put it up now, because I am on a different computer than the one I'm usually on. So I may put up the new version tomorrow.

I KNOW I'm not supposed to double-post... but... because I wanted to make it stand-out...

Scene One, Version II:

Something screamed, and Benjamin immeditately tensed. It was a horrible, drawn out noise that felt like it would break Benjamin's ears. The scream itself seemed to be sucking away everything physical in the world. The colors dimmed, other sounds were washed out, and Benjamin suddenly felt very lethargic. He didn't want to move, he didn't want to cover his ears to block out the scream.
And then it stopped. Benjamin found he was still standing, the exact same way he had been. He hadn't moved an inch, save for the initial jerk. He was breathing heavily, panting even. He turned slowly around, looking at the surrounding neighborhood slowly. He suddenly felt very small.
Birds flew out of a tree, and a car passed. Benjamin finished his circle. What was that? What made that noise? He saw the two kids and their mother playing in the park. They were oblivious that there had been a horrible noise, they were calm. Well, not calm, because the kids were running around and screaming with joy. The mother watching peacefully but carefully. The car turned the corner, and was gone. There was no one else in the vicinity, who could have made a noise-
Then there was another scream.
This time Benjamin collapsed. He fell forward, face first, and was only saved from receiving a broken tooth because his arm automatically braced his body for the fall, despite the screams. He lay there on the concrete, letting the pain roll over him. He was no longer human, but an animal feeling pain and wanting to escape, to fly away.
It was not an animal, it was not a human, it was something else entirely. It was something much more than anything of those. The scream became a laugh, very slowly. And the laugh was unlike any laugh Benjamin had ever heard before. It was less painful, but still excruciating.
The laughter reached it's peak, and began to fade away. Benjamin looked up in the general direction of the sound. He needed to go there. He didn't know why, but when the scream was replaced by laughter it somehow awakened something inside of him. He looked over to the mother and her children. They were still playing, still living, still unknowing. Something about that scream felt familiar, he hadn't recognized it before, but when he heard the laugh, he knew that something was wrong.
Even though he didn't want to, Benjamin forced his body up off the sidewalk, and began to walk in the direction of the noise.