One of my favorite pieces:

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One of my favorite pieces:

Post  Agent Smith on Thu Mar 13, 2008 8:20 pm

Off in the distance, the sun sank behind a hazy forefront, casting long mournful shadows over the land. Off to the West, the coast sprayed the walls of the monstrous city with white-wash and foam, receded, and laid the assault again. Tall poles rose up from the dusty city streets, lanterns hanging down, with blue and red flames dancing within the glass, obliterating some of the nearby shadows. The sun sunk lower, A veil of blackness descended over the lands around the city.

Silence. Glorious silence. Broken apart only by the persistent waves of the sea. Suddenly, a shrill wind emanated from the North, howling like a newborn baby, carrying the silence to lands far away. A figure passed under a lantern briefly, revealing a tall man, clad all in black. His face and features were indiscernible, as a large hood covered his head. He moved quickly, with an air of authority, and looked hopeful about not being seen. He turned down a side-alley, and stopped. He seemed to hesitate a moment before rapping on a heavy wooden door thrice.

A hiss came from behind the door,” Who is it?”

“It is I, Rasa,” the black figure replied. His voice bore a heavy Persian accent; something highly uncommon at the time, for Athens was at war with the Persian states, a power struggle over land.

The large door opened, casting a soft light out into the alley. The man, Rasa, moved forward, and then the light was cut off by the slamming of the heavy door. He was in a low hallway, two torch brackets hung on the far wall. He removed his hood, revealing a golden brown face and dark red, shoulder length hair. High cheek bones gave him the look of a high priest or a religious leader, but his hollow eyes gave the appearance of a demon in black.

“Rasa, my friend, you are very nearly late,” rang a warm voice. Rasa looked to his left towards a staircase were a large man with snow white hair stood waiting.

“So I am,” Rasa shot back. “But, it couldn’t be helped, and it may very well prove justifiable for our cause.”

“And you were doing?” the beefy man asked.

“I am afraid that that will have to wait for just a while longer, Jason,” Rasa teased. “Let’s just say that our troubles are almost over.” His face glowed.

“Well, down the steps, if you please,” Jason replied, suspicion creeping into his voice.

Rasa began moving again, a little quicker now, down the long staircase, deep under the city. The air grew ever more frigid as he neared the end of his trek. The farther down he went, the more worn the building became. The once flat steps now had grooves where people had been trudging up and down them. Cracks plagued the sandy colored walls and ceiling, absorbing what little light there was.

Eventually, the passage leveled out into a large room, lit by four massive lanterns hanging from the ceiling. Massive pews lined the floor right up to a shabby stage. A giant red rug covered the stage, with spots now worn away, revealing a hard kind of wood. Three people stood on this stage, and they were watched by over fifty people who were filling the front most seats. One of the men on the stage was speaking.

His reedy voice floated back,” All that remains is the question of how to escape. The walls of this city are like giant chains, unbreakable without the right tools. We have the tools, we just need to decide upon the one to use. There are many tunnels under this blasted city, with entrances here and there. There are also the cities three gates, which would be accessible to us only when the guard changes. That would be too risky. I propose we take the tunnels and form a new life somewhere on the plains outside the city, which would be our best bet.”

“We shall not be forced to flee. My hands are now tainted with blood…Royal blood. Soon, the empire shall awaken to find it’s king dead. King Polus, the greatest king the empire ever had, our strongest enemy, is no longer among the living. The very heavens will weep for his death,” announced Rasa from the middle of the room.

The man from the stage burst into a jubilant grin,” That’s wonderful! Do you see what you have done for us! You are Polus’s heir, and as such, you can claim the throne for yourself. Our cause can move unhindered from now on!”

Rasa stared,” There is just one problem, until I grace the throne with my royal behind, I am but a commoner. A commoner caught murdering his own father, who happened to be a king.”

“You…you were caught?” the man breathed. “But why did you not eliminate the threat?”

“Because the threat happened to summon a full team of guards to capture or kill me. It was all I could do to give them the slip to get here.”

A pause, and then,” And did the king happen to suspect anything prior to his death?”

Rasa smiled,” He expected nothing, and he knew nothing.” Rasa breathed heavily. “He was a pompous fool, full of pride and arrogance, a very dangerous combination. He was, however, clever…Very clever. How do you think he held control for the past decade? But his death put us in a powerful position. In three days, he will be buried, as is tradition. That will be our best shot at invasion. In three days, we may be able to take the empire…”

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Re: One of my favorite pieces:

Post  Magmedite on Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:17 am

I like it. The only thing that threw me off was when your character said,
until I grace the throne with my royal behind, I am but a commoner.
it felt awkward and out of place. Rasa seems serious and arrogant, but not sarcastic. It also feels kinda out of place within the setting you place the story.

I like how you detach the characters from the description. It's usually not good for authors to do this but here it creates a nice sense of mystery around Rasa.

I'd like to see more of this story.
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Re: One of my favorite pieces:

Post  Agent Smith on Sat Mar 15, 2008 3:55 pm

Thanks. I'll try to have more...soon. I need to find the word file again since I typed this up in Notepad from some notebook paper.

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Re: One of my favorite pieces:

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